Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
