How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
