Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
