I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
