Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
