I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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