i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
