I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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