so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Boobs speak an international language.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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