Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
