I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
