2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I am spending my child support on dildos
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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