There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I need moral support for this bender
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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