no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
