This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
