just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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