just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
