and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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