yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
