I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
