I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
