He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
