Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
