I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
