I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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