the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So many bounce houses so little time
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
