Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
