My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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