i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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