Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
