I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
