How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
