dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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