I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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