Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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