I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
