I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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