I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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