He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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