I hate all girls vehemently.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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