Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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