My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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