Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
