not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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