this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
not ubering you a puppy
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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