Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
