I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
