I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
