I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i love accidental penises.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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