god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
