I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
