I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
