shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
